Judai is known for being the second most desired person in his class, behind Asuka. He would also be behind me, but I already won that title when I was in Fujiwara’s class and I don’t want to be selfish and keep it from my sister this time around. So yes, like I said, Judai has a lot of people after him. So, while I don’t know for certain who has or has not this information, there were plenty of people to ask.
Unfortunately, the first few people I asked didn’t have anything helpful to say because they’ve “never had sex with him” or “don’t know anybody who’s had sex with him” or are “pretty sure he’s a virgin” because “if I’m still a virgin, why would he not be?” It took a while to find anyone who was actually willing to admit to how much they know about his sexual prowess, and he barely had more information to give.
"Well, he said he once touched a girl’s boob when he was in middle school," said Johan Andersen, one of his close personal friends. "And he’s…definitely done some weirdly aggressive kissing, which is honestly not as impressive as he thinks it is. It’s kind of just awkward. Spit all over your face, stuff like that. No idea what he’s doing.
"I don’t know if he’s ever done anything that could be considered…sex…though, so I can’t answer your question. Sorry!"
I hesitated about asking Marufuji Shou, another close friend, anything, because I recently had a, ahem, disagreement with his older brother, but I decided to bite the bullet and take the risk. It turned out to not be a risk worth taking.
"Wow, yeah, I’d definitely call him the supreme king of the bedroom," he said, raising my hopes before violently mashing them into the pavement with his dream-crushing feet. "He snores so loudly sometimes I can’t get to sleep. He leaves his clothes everywhere, he spends all of his time either spreading his cards all over every desk in the room or playing my PSP while lying in the middle of the floor. He pretty much owns the bedroom."
Clearly, asking his friends wasn’t going to get me anywhere. So I decided, why not ask the man himself? While he wouldn’t necessarily provide a fair assessment of his skills, he could probably describe his methods. Here’s what he had to say about how intense a lover he is:
"Uh…woah…ahahaha, I dunno. I mean, I’m, like…ehehehe, wow, what? I don’t know."
And so, my research came to an inconclusive end. Sorry!
Fubuki is a little bit more familiar with the lives for the DM folk than I am, but Fubuki is off crying in a corner about how he doesn’t smell bad, he smells great, and all the ladies love his ukelele, so I’ll take over until he chills out.
I tracked Tristan, or Honda as he prefers to be called, down through his computer. I hacked into it, and used it to project a hologram of myself into his living room. When holo-me arrived, he was playing Paper Mario with Otogi Ryuuji. The two were sharing a bowl of kettle corn, and arguing about whether or not it was okay to write explicit erotica about Shizuka and post it online. Otogi said “yes”, and Honda said “no”, for the record.
When I asked about Tristan’s hair, he said that it definitely wasn’t fungus. He’d had scalp fungus before, and it looked more like this:
He says it’s not a wig, either. “My hair is a concealed weapon,” he said, peering past me to look at his game. At this point, Otogi accidentally kicked over the popcorn, and the two of them started eating it off the floor. Honda said, “I keep a knife in there. Never used it…if I punch someone, it’s no big deal, but if I stab them, I’m looking at some serious jail time. Besides, I prefer to solve my problems with card games.” When I asked why he did this, he said that he liked to have a weapon on him just in case, and anyway, it made him feel like Twilight Sparkle.
When I asked Honda to show me the knife, he adjusted his hair to reveal a sharp, silver blade. It was attached to his head with a combination of glue and bobby pins. I said that I was concerned that that wasn’t secure enough, and he might seriously hurt himself, but he told me to get my holographic butt of the way so he could play Paper Mario.
That, ladies and gentleman, is the story of Honda’s ridiculous hair.
hello, everyone. you know me; i’m fubuki, you’re favorite source for gossip who is also not carly. lately, i’ve been spending so much time talking about everyone else who exists, i figured it was about the time that i told you a little bit about my self.
at the moment we don’t have any questions about me, fubuki, to answer directly, but we know there are a buttload of rumors circulating that i can easily address. because i spend most of my time paying attention to these things.
the first question is one that people seem to want to know about everyone: how large is my penis?
well, the answer might surprise you. it is actually miniscule. there is no person who would actually derive pleasure from interacting with it. keep that in mind.
another question: how many instruments do i play?
i only play two— ukelele and guitar. i learned guitar exclusively because i expected to be able to attract women. because the only thing women like more than a guy who is annoying and stupid is a guy who is annoying and stupid and can play guitar. as for the ukelele, i don’t actually know how to play it, i just i like strumming discordant notes directly into the ears of my friends.
on a similar note, i want to explain the fact that i constantly smell like i haven’t bathed in weeks; this is me tactically refusing to do so. i believe firmly that men are attracted by the smell of rotten garbage. and though i cannot confirm that women are especially pleased by badly played guitar, as a man myself i know that men are easily wooed by foul odors. yes.
some would also like to know, why i am always hiding in rafters instead of standing on the ground like a normal person. it is partially because it makes it easier for me to eavesdrop on people for hours before dropping onto their heads from the ceiling. it also allows me to look on from above as i copy other peoples homework so i don’t have to do it myself. this is how i became an honors student.
lastly, i will bring up the question of why i am so stupid. there does not have to be a reason; that is just how i am. as i’ve already mentioned, i also smell bad, and annoy the living hell out of everyone who dares interact with me.
and that is why i am going to stop writing things about marufuji ryo in this magazine. he deserves more respect from someone like me, a busybody jerkoff who is also a butt.
have a nice day everyone
I’m glad you asked! Though I’m surprised you chose such a public forum. Why don’t you call me anymore?
It all started about two months ago, when Carly contacted me on that beta time-travel machine I mentioned a little while ago. I don’t remember exactly why she was interested in talking to me instead of someone else…I think she said she found me randomly, but I could be misremembering. Either way, we shot the shit for a while, chatted about our respective dimensions, love lives, Duel Monsters skills, etc. etc. It didn’t take long for us to determine we were both very, very interested in the intimate lives of people we don’t know.
Long story short, she’s a reporter, she needed a way to make money, I knew a few famous people from my era that she couldn’t get into contact with (like you! Where are you hiding in the future, anyway?), she asked me to help her run a multi-dimensional gossip magazine with her. So I did, and here I am!
It’s really fun! People ask a lot of questions about you, and I barely even have to ask you anything to answer them! Isn’t it convenient for your fans, that we’re such good friends, and that I’m willing to tell them about you?
Well, now you know. He has nothing strange in his non-existent basement, and he does not have a bondage fetish.
(I know I’ve mentioned him in several articles already, but I haven’t actually told him yet that this magazine exists. Don’t anyone tell him for me, please. He doesn’t…really think stuff like this is funny, anymore.)
Ooh, guys, that’s not a fun question to answer. Rally’s just a kid. Unfortunately, Satellite was one of those places that would arrest and mark a child. It’s also one of those places that, until recently, wasn’t subject to child labor laws and workplace safety laws.
"I stole stuff from the factory I worked at," says Rally, during a super-sad interview. "I’d been working there since I was eight, and they only paid me about half the time, and they didn’t pay for me to get my arm fixed up when it got broken in one of the machines. The first time I stole, Nerv told me they’d stolen so much labor from me that it wasn’t morally wrong. Blitz told me that they weren’t supposed to be letting me work in the first place because I was too young—they were breaking child labor laws. None of them really respected the factory, and we needed stuff, and I was small and it was easy for me to sneak around. So I stole things. Mostly, I stole batteries, because that was what my department made. Nerv sold them for cheaper than the factory did, and that’s how we got enough money to buy food for all of us. It was going so well that I guess I got too confident. Eventually, I got caught, and I got a criminal mark." Rally touched his mark and grimaced. "Those things hurt! It was like getting a huge bee sting under my eye. Yusei says bigger ones are like getting your face ripped open. I had to spend three nights in jail, and the cops beat me up and spat on me."
Rally isn’t in jail now. Because he’s still a minor, and the citizens of Satellites now technically enjoy the same legal rights as the citizens of Neo Domino City, he would go to a juvenile detention center if he’s caught stealing again—not jail, or prison. Blitz, Nerv, and Taka are working on getting his criminal record cleared, and getting him into an actual school. Unfortunately, schools from Neo Domino City aren’t yet accepting kids from Satellite. Satellite does have its own school, but most of the teachers, although dedicated, aren’t certified, and it has very few resources. The school is only K-6, and Rally is too old. The factory that employed Rally’s guardians is now under Neo Domino City jurisdiction, and therefore has to pay its employees the appropriate regional minimum wage. This means that they don’t need to run an illegal business to survive. Rally still feels the need to steal sometimes, but he’s trying his best to obey the law.
Sorry to get all serious business on you all. I know it’s not fun-gossip-about-dicks-and-stuff, but a question like that gets serious treatment in Carly’s book! My favorite person in the whole wide world comes from Satellite, and I’ve heard enough horror stories about his time there that it’s hard to dismiss this kind of injustice! I promise, there will be dick jokes a plenty next time!
We don’t have a consistant source for DM gossip the same way we have, for example, me and Carly, who know more about our respective eras than the other does. We do have plenty of phone numbers and addresses we can contact whenever we need some info, though, so there’s no greater problem squeezing out juice from the first generation than the second or third.
The only problem we have is the fourth generation, the Zexal crowd. You see, in order for me and Carly to communicate with each other, we use the Time Warp Machine (® KaibaCorp - not yet widely released to the public, name is pending as of Carlytime. We’re using Rex Godwin’s beta version that Jack Atlas stole from his house). Obviously it was designed with trans-dimensional dueling in mind; it allows us to send communications backwards in time, but not forwards. So, Carly can talk to me and see my responses, and we can both talk to the first gens, at any ages you’re interested in learning about!
But, like I said, it doesn’t allow us to communicate with Zexal’s. And that is why it’s been so hard to arrange anything with them - it takes so long to talk to them! Tsukumo Akari has submitted an application to work for us, but she hasn’t contacted us again about it, and we can’t interview her until she calls us.
We don’t know any gen 1’s who want to work with us, so for now we’re just relying on their willingness to answer our questions. A certain Bakura was extremely willing to talk about his bowel movements for over half an hour, according to his interviewer.
We also use Wikipedia.
I’ve never heard that one before! It sounds a little criggety-what to me, so I did a little digging and found out that yeah, that one’s just a rumor. Now, Yami Bakura didn’t actually use the toilet while he was a spirit trapped in the millennium ring, but the Yami Bakura and Bakura Ryou do both use the toilet on a fairly regular basis with their human body. They do get constipated a lot, though, because they really don’t eat the best diet.
This is a pretty typical meal for these guys. No vegetables, no fiber, not a lot of chewing. Yami Bakura doesn’t drink enough water, either. Combine those things, and you’ve got some majorly hard poop to deal with. This means a lot of time on the toilet. Ryou is usually the one who actually spends the time there, since it’s boring for Yami Bakura and he has better things to do. Like plot world domination and stuff. In general, Yami Bakura is content to just relieve himself on the floor, but Ryou really isn’t into that, and tends to get pretty upset when his favorite shirt is soaking up a big pile of pee. So, yes, they use the toilet.
If we’re talking about going to the toilet to masturbate, the answer is no. Ryou used to, sometimes several times a day. He was a young teenage boy—an intimate relationship with your right hand is typical. (Oooh, now I’m imagining Jack-face discovering his sexuality as a youngin’, it’s so cuuuute. Except not because then I have to imagine him as a child. Wanking. And now it’s weird. And now Crow just walked in on him and they’re fighting. SHUT UP IMAGINATION!! OH BUT WAIT WE COULD CALL IT JACKING OFF. HAHAHAHAHA GET IT?! I’M FUNNY!) Anyway, Ryou decided to stop masturbating as soon as he started to feel like he wasn’t entirely alone in his body.
That’s a good question, Carly! Which member of Team Satisfaction would I want to date my little sister?
I’m a little bit wary of suggesting she date anyone from the apocalyptic parentless-and-therefore-traceable-lineageless future, because there’s always a slight chance that any of these non-Yusei guys are related to us. Maybe even directly! But, assuming they’re not, here are my thoughts on who would be a good match for Asuka.
I’ll start with the same guy you started with, Jack
I could tell you my thoughts on this matter, but I won’t, because Jack’s significant other is definitely going to read this and I don’t think she wants me to comment. But I think it’s within my rights to say that they would be cute standing next to each other
Ryo, if they were together, which they aren’t, because he’s happily taken by someone who may or may not be able to get me fired from my job.
Crow seems like a nice guy, but I wouldn’t want my sister with somebody who couldn’t satisfy her (sexually). If she were willing to help him pay for Viagra, and take care of his legion of children, I would totally approve their union.
As far as I can infer from her claims that “[I] have absolutely no business asking [her] about [her] sex life,” Asuka’s “sex life” is either really, really boring, or really, really freaky; if it’s the former, Yusei should be boring enough for her, I think! And he’s primarily absorbed in the lives of guys with blue hair, and is the designated default leader of his posse regardless of the situation at hand, so he’s just like Judai! And everyone knows Asuka had a crush on him, except for maybe Judai.
As for Kiryu, well, Yusei gave him a pretty convincing endorsement, so I’m not worried about that part. But, given the high probability that he’s a vampire, I’m not really comfortable with the idea, even if Asuka would be okay with it. But, I guess if she doesn’t mind joining the ranks the undead, I can’t stop her. Though, I’m suspicious that he might be Shou’s illegitimate son, which could be awkward in a completely different way. All things considered, I’m neutral about it.
I would never say anything to besmirch Jack’s prowess as a sexual God. He definitely, definitely provides Satisfaction.
ARE YOU SATISFIED?? HE DID THIS. HE DID THIS BECAUSE HE WAS ASKED TO DO IT AND HE’S SUPER THE BEST DUDE EVER FOREVER OH MY GOD HE NEEDS TO BE BAKED ALL THE COOKIES. OH MY GOD I AM SO MOIST JUST LOOKING AT THIS FUBUKI ARE YOU LOOKING AT THIS OH GOD I’M GOING TO DIE.
As for the other three…well, Crow has a bit of a problem getting it up. He’s trying some herbal supplement that costs like a dollar a pill—it’s hard to get Viagra when you don’t have health insurance. When asked about this, Crow said, “it’s not my fault! I grew up in a toxic waste dump, all the pollution probably did something to my junk. Anyway fuck you, I could still rock your world.” After this comment, he was sternly admonished by Yusei and told that he should be more polite to their guest.
Yusei, as it turns out, is a passable fuck. He’s confused by anything beyond missionary position, and he doesn’t really understand foreplay. He won’t “rock your world” as Crow puts it, but by all reports, it is “satisfying.”
He cares about your satisfaction though. He really cares.
Kiryu is more interested in biting people than having sex with them. When asked about this, Kiryu said, “I have an oral fixation. I don’t want to talk about it. This is my. Personal. Business. Unless you want me to bite you, scram.” As I didn’t feel like being turned into a vampire or whatever, I left. Later, I asked Yusei if he knew anything about Kiryu’s sexual prowess, and he told me that he was “good.” Informative, Yusei. Thanks a bunch.
So, now you know. Fubuki, should Asuka date any of these dudes?